Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
