i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
