new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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