Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Damn victory sex feels great
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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