I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
