I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
