I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
