I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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