I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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