Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
