btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
