I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
