I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
