just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
