I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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