dude i'm inner monologue high
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
