Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
