You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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