i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
