I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
