I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
