Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
