When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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