Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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