Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
