I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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