Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
