I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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