Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
