I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
