Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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