It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
