do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
