you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
