Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
