so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
