yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
