I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
