he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
