You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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