Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Someone came in the potted fern
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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