That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
