I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Semen is not good for contacts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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