I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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