If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
