hotel room ftw
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize