What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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