Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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