I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
