I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
