So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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