she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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