When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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