Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
