you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I die, sorry about rent.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
