Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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