gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
