just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
