If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I believe in your delicious
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
