the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
